I Carry Your Heart
by lokilette
Summary: "I was six when I lost my first love and seventeen when I lost the second. Where the first made me want to let go of everything, the second convinced me that what I needed, more than anything, was to simply hold on." - Lavender Brown decides that she'll carry Remus' heart in hers forever. Written for QLFC, season three, round ten.


**Author's Note:** Written for The Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition, season 3, round 10. Prompt: write a student/teacher relationship. Unrequited love is acceptable, so I went that route, because the idea of a student/teacher pairing is sort of creepy to me. This is also a very feely fic, and I required copious amounts of coffee and chocolate to finish it. You have been warned.

 **Warning:** Character death

 **Word Count:** 2,989

* * *

" _Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." ~ Dr. Seuss_

 _._

I was six when I lost my first love and seventeen when I lost the second. Where the first made me want to let go of everything, the second convinced me that what I needed, more than anything, was to simply hold on.

 **...oOo...**

The very first memory I have is of green eyes at my bedside and a singing voice that would make angels weep. But the sound drowned out the thunder, so I begged her to sing it again.

" _Just once more," I promised, though I secretly wished it could go on forever._

" _You know, Lav, if you listen and remember the words, you can sing it to yourself. Won't even need me," Rosemary whispered as she slipped into my bed. I knew that wasn't true. I would always need my big sister._

 **...oOo...**

I wish I had listened to her advice, because now, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to recall the lyrics. All I have is a vague melody that I hum when I miss her most. Would you like me to hum a bit for you?

Hummm hm hm, hm hm hm hm hmmm.

Doesn't really do it justice, does it? But it's all I've got. That and the echo of her heart as I laid against her chest.

 **...oOo...**

The first argument I remember having with my sister was when I was five. You don't have any siblings, do you? No, I guess not. So maybe you don't know what it's like. She was always right; I just didn't know it at the time.

" _C'mon, let's see how high we can climb, Lav!" Theo Nott called as he pulled himself onto the first branch. It had been all fun and games up until then, but I stopped short at the bottom of the tree, staring up wide-eyed at its endless branches._

" _Hey, what're ya waiting for?" Theo called down, straddling the branch he was on and kicking his feet._

" _I just...I don't feel like it, and you can't make me, Theodore Nott!"_

" _What're you, a Puffskein?"_

" _I am not!"_

" _You are! That's what you are. You're just a little Puffskein!" He started chanting "Puffskein, Puffskein," and I felt my face growing hot. I didn't want to be outdone by_ him _, of all people, but I was also terrified of heights._

" _Listen, you don't have to do anything he tells you. He's just a bully," Rosemary said, putting a hand on my shoulder._

" _You just don't think I can do it!" I snapped, shrugging her hand off._

" _No, Lav, that's not what I—"_

" _Leave me alone!" I pushed her hard and walked to the base of the tree._

 _It was a long way up, but I was determined. I grabbed the lowest branch and hoisted myself onto it. It was a bad idea, I knew that, but I wanted to prove to them that I could do it. So I climbed, higher and higher—and then I looked down._

 _The world started to spin, and I hugged the branch I was on tightly. This was a stupid idea! It was all Theo's fault! He was such a show-off. I didn't know what to do. No way was I climbing higher, but how was I going to get down?_

 _I shifted slightly on the branch, and I felt myself slipping. I scrambled to grab on, but I couldn't get my grip. Then, I was falling, with no one to catch me, and I closed my eyes. I landed on my feet—sort of—and rolled onto my back._

" _Lavender! Are you all right?" Rosemary was by my side in a second._

 _My ankle throbbed, and I started to cry as I held it. It wasn't just the pain, though. I was embarrassed. I had wanted to be as good as my sister, as good as Theo, but I had failed, yet again. That seemed to be the only thing I was really good at._

" _It's just a sprain," Rosemary concluded after examining my ankle. "So smile, Lav."_

" _B-B-But it h-hurts," I choked out between sobs._

" _For now, maybe, but it'll get better. I promise. Look what you've done! You climbed really high in that tree, much higher than I ever have, even though you were afraid. You didn't let your fear stop you. So smile."_

Despite the pain, despite Theo laughing in the tree above me, I did smile, because that was what my sister wanted and, above all else, I just wanted her to be proud of me. So I smiled, and eventually I laughed. She carried me back home and made up some lie so Mum and Dad wouldn't know what we had been up to. I knew then that I had the best big sister anyone could ever ask for.

 **...oOo...**

I was six the day I gave up on love, because I knew I could never love anyone as much as the person I had lost. Why would I want to? It hurt so bad, like someone had driven a knife through my heart and left it there, so that just when I thought it was better, it would reopen the wound. I knew, even at six, that I never wanted to go through that again.

 _We were always at St. Mungo's, it seemed, but no one would tell me why. They said I was "too little." I was six, after all! Practically a grown-up._

 _When I asked Rosemary, all she would say was that her heart was sick. So I pressed my ear to her chest, as I had done so many times, and listened to the rhythmic thumping that had more than once coaxed me to sleep._

" _It sounds fine to me!" I declared. She laughed, but she still looked sad._

 _She spent more time playing with me than she used to. She'd sneak into my bed at night, even though I insisted I was fine on my own._

" _But I'm afraid of the dark. You'll protect me, won't you, Lav?"_

" _Of course," I agreed, though I wasn't sure what I could do. I had only just come into my magic and wasn't much of a fighter at all._

 _Then, one night Rosemary disappeared. I asked Mum where she was, but every time I mentioned it, she dissolved into hysterics. When I asked Dad, he had a far-away look in his eyes as he said, "She's sick. The healers are doing their best to take care of her right now."_

" _Can I go see her?"_

" _Not yet, Lav. Be patient. She'll be home soon."_

 _But she wasn't. Weeks passed and no Rosemary. Mum and Dad grew more and more distant until they were barely ever home._

 _Then, they agreed to let me go visit Rosemary. I was so excited! I wanted to tell her about all the adventures I'd had, like the time I had finally punched Theo Nott and given him a black eye. I wanted to ask where she'd been and what she'd been doing. I had so much to say._

 _But when I saw her lying in the bed with all those tubes, my words disappeared. This wasn't the Rosemary I knew. When I approached the bed, I recognized the green eyes, even in the pale, gaunt face, and I knew that meek smile._

" _You came, Lav. I'm so glad to see you."_

" _What's wrong, Rose?"_

" _I'm sick."_

" _Didn't they give you medicine?"_

" _It's not that easy." She talked funny, like it took a lot of effort to force each word out, and she had to stop now and then to catch her breath. "It's my heart that's sick."_

 _I climbed into bed next to her and pressed my ear to her chest, listening for the familiar beat. Having found it, I triumphantly sat up and said, "It sounds just fine to me. Are you sure it's sick?"_

 _Rosemary laughed weakly—a strange, hollow sound._

 _I spent three days in the hospital, and I was even allowed to sleep in the same bed as Rosemary, my ear pressed to her chest. When I heard her heart beating, I knew everything was just fine. The healers must have been mistaken. They'd realize it sooner or later, and we could go home and be a normal family again._

 _But when I woke on the fourth day, I knew something was wrong. Even though my ear was still pressed to her chest, I woke to silence. My eyes fluttered open, searching her pale, motionless face. She looked white, almost, like a perfect marble angel._

" _Rose?" I said, shaking her gently to wake her up, but she didn't stir. "Rosemary?" I tried again, more insistent this time, but there was still no response._

" _Mum, why won't Rose wake up?" I asked, starting to panic. This wasn't normal. Something had to be wrong._

 _Mum didn't answer. She was already in the corner of the room, curled up in the fetal position using the wall for support. Dad wouldn't look at me as he lifted his glasses to wipe away the tears that were free-falling down his face._

" _Get up, Rose! It's time to get up!" I shook her harder and harder until I started to cry. Why wasn't she answering? Rosemary never ignored me._

 _I carried on until Dad pried me off her, kicking and screaming, and hugged me tight to his chest. I could hear his heart beating, even over the sobbing, but it wasn't the same._

 **...oOo...**

That's the last time I remember my father really hugging me. After that, my parents were both distant. I think they just didn't want to suffer another loss like that. It was easier that way.

 _I carry your heart with me._

That's what was written on Rosemary's tombstone. I was convinced that my heart was full just from her memory, that there was no room to let anyone else in.

Not until third year, that is.

 **...oOo...**

" _I wonder who the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher will be," Parvati whispered, thumbing absentmindedly through her textbook._

 _Before I had a chance to speculate, an older gentleman walked through the door and took his place at the front of the room._

" _My name is Remus Lupin," he said._

" _He's dreamy," I sighed, resting my head on my palm._

" _Really? He looks a bit...homeless."_

" _I think I'm in love."_

" _That's what you said about Lockhart."_

" _I thought we agreed to never mention that again," I hissed, hitting her with my book. "Besides, I distinctly remember you having a crush on him, too."_

" _Fine, but it was_ Lockhart _. He was charming and quite handsome. But this—what was it—Lupin? I just don't see it."_

 **...oOo...**

Of course she didn't. How could she? There was something reflected in those green eyes that only I could see, something that reminded me of the green eyes I had fallen in love with growing up.

It felt like fate. Everywhere I went, you were there, even when I wanted to be alone.

 **...oOo...**

 _I had worked hard for my carefree image, so when Dean broke up with me, I hid so no one would see my tears. In an abandoned hall, I let the familiar feelings overwhelm me. Why was I never good enough?_

" _Ms. Brown? Is something wrong?"_

 _I jumped at the unexpected voice, hastily brushing away the tears._

" _No. No, I just...read a sad story."_

 _I waved my hand hoping he'd pass me by. Instead, he said, "Uh-huh," as he pressed his back to the wall and slid down to sit beside me._

" _Care to tell me about this story?"_

" _It's just...the girl in it thought she had finally found someone who understood her. But it turned out she was wrong."_

" _Sounds like maybe she's looking in the wrong places."_

" _She's tired of looking—the character, I mean. I think she's decided there's just no one out there for her."_

" _There's someone for everyone."_

" _Do you really believe that, Professor?"_

" _I do. It's easier to believe than to give up, don't you think?"_

 **...oOo...**

I confess, after that, I found any excuse I could to visit classroom 3C. I wanted to know more about the person behind those eyes, hoping to find what I had lost. I realized that someone would listen to me, _really_ listen, instead of dismissing me right off the bat as some loony eccentric.

So I went there, as often as I could.

 **...oOo...**

" _I'm going to fail this exam, professor!" I groaned, sinking into a desk and burying my head in my arms. I was embarrassed just to say it, after all the work he'd put into teaching me._

" _What makes you think that? You've done fine in this class so far."_

 _Professor Lupin walked slowly to the desk beside me and hoisted himself onto the top of it._

" _Only for the first few weeks, but I can't get the Glacio spell or whatever—"_

" _Glacius," Professor Lupin interrupted. "Sorry, continue."_

" _Well, that would explain a lot. Merlin, I can't even remember the incantation! I'm going to fail my third year." I let my head fall against the desk with a loud thunk. I was even worse off than I had imagined._

" _You remember my first lesson, don't you?"_

" _With the boggart? Yeah...Why?"_

" _Then smile, Ms. Brown. You've faced your greatest fear and emerged victorious. Something so trivial as an exam pales in comparison, don't you think?"_

 _The green eyes twinkled as he smiled, and I found myself smiling, too. I couldn't stop myself._

" _As for the spell, what do you say to coming in later this week, and we'll work on it together, hm?"_

 **...oOo...**

You didn't know it, but that was the moment I fell in love for the second time. Only, this time was different, not like the love I had for my sister. I could even forgive the lycanthropy. Don't seem so surprised. Yes, of course I knew about that. I'm not as stupid as everyone thinks. I just let them think that because it's easier than having expectations. It's easier than always letting people down and getting hurt.

For four years, I carried you in my heart. You were my secret to keep. When I hit my lowest moments, I remembered fondly the things you said, and I smiled as I faced my fears, one by one. But there was one fear that I couldn't smile through. There was one fear that I wasn't prepared to face.

I wasn't ready to lose you.

 **...oOo...**

" _Well, what 'ave we 'ere? A filthy little blood traitor, I reckon."_

 _Antonin Dolohov. The pure-bloods were a fairly close-knit group, and Dad had visited his family from time to time. He was bad news._

 _I gripped my wand tighter as it threatened to slip out of my sweaty hands. There was no way I could beat him, but I had faced my fears before. I wouldn't back down. I wasn't afraid to die._

" _I think I'm gonna enjoy this."_

 _His face twisted into a sneer, revealing a row of browning teeth, that sent shivers down my spine. There was no other way. I was ready. He let the first spell fly, and it bounced off my Protego, but I knew that wouldn't last long. I wasn't good at dueling, and his spells were too powerful._

 _He fired off a few more spells—some blocked, some dodged—cackling all the while. Then there was a flash of white, and I was too slow. My wand flew out of my hand and skittered across the grass. It was the end. I closed my eyes, preparing for the worst._

 _I heard him cast the spell, but at the same time, a familiar voice shouted, "Protego maxima!"_

" _Lavender? Are you OK?"_

 _I stole a glance through one half-shut eye only to find Professor Lupin standing in front of me, shielding me with his body and his wand._

" _I'm f-f-fine, Professor."_

" _Good. Then go back to the castle. This is no place for you. I'll face him."_

I went reluctantly, but only because I saw the flash of steel in your eyes and knew better than to argue. You saved me, and I couldn't have loved you any more.

When I finally came to at St. Mungo's, the last thing I remembered was you shielding me, and you were the first person I asked about. When they told me you had died, it felt like all the light drained from the world for a second time. I was never meant to love. I snuck down to see you in the morgue, when no one was looking, and pressed my ear to your chest. I heard nothing but silence.

 **...oOo...**

I know what people would think if they saw me here talking to your tombstone, Professor. I don't care. Most of them already think I'm a bit nutty anyway, so let them talk.

I know what you went through. Well, sort of. I have "Werewolf tendencies." That's what they say when I get a craving for raw meat or if I get sick during the full moon. I like to think that I share a little piece of you, and even though it scares me, I haven't forgotten how to smile.

I guess I told you this story because I wanted you to know that I'll carry your heart with me, too. My heart's big enough, I suppose, for one more, so I'll carry your heart in mine forever. Because that's what you do for the people you love.

* * *

 **Prompts:**

 **The Hogwarts Talent Show:** "[i carry your heart with me (i carry it in] by e. e. cummings

 **The Quidditch Pitch:** Antonin Dolohov

 **The Drabble Club:** "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." ~ Dr. Seuss


End file.
